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Joke Of The day
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« Return to Topics
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Big Bad John
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Posted 19:32, 01/12/2006
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Don't argue with an idiot;people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
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Chemolady
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Posted 8:9, 01/13/2006
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It is better to keep one's mouth shut and thought an idiot, than to open it and remove all doubt.
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LeRoy
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Posted 12:11, 01/13/2006
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wouldn't you know it ---Brain cells come and brains cells go,, But FAT cells lives forever.
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hawkknigh
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Posted 13:5, 01/13/2006
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Don't confuse me with the facts, my mind is made up.
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taxman
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Posted 22:9, 01/13/2006
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They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
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Horatio
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Posted 11:34, 01/14/2006
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If dynamite were brains all republicans wouldn't have enough to blow just one nose.
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Big Bad John
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Posted 12:42, 01/14/2006
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Marriage changes passion.
suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
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LeRoy B
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Posted 18:45, 01/18/2006
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Bumper sticker of the year:"If you can read this,thank a teacher-and-since it in ENGLISH,thank a soldier"
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EDITOR
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Posted 21:26, 01/18/2006
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How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"
The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.
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WINE-O
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Posted 19:59, 01/22/2006
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A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
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chevy
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Posted 18:7, 01/27/2006
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Attorney: Are you sexually active
Witness: No I just lie there
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Wittness: By death
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
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little voices in my head
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Posted 9:46, 01/31/2006
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Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the as* are interchangeable.
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LeRoy B
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Posted 19:16, 02/22/2006
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Remember Life is like a roll of toilet paper,The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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ZODIAC
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Posted 21:21, 02/23/2006
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A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of
democrats came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and
turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the
farmer if he has seen the car. "Yep" replied the farmer. "Where are
they?" asked the sheriff. "Over there", replied the farmer pointing to
the ditch filled with fresh dirt. "You buried them?" asked the
sherrif, "Were they still alive?" Replied the farmer, "They said they
were, but you know how those people lie."
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Leo
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Posted 22:29, 02/25/2006
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Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason. --Unknown
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LeRoy B
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Posted 20:15, 03/06/2006
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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"on it. So I said "Implants"? She hit me.
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medic
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Posted 21:33, 03/08/2006
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A PHARMACIST had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced.
"Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Chad Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
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LeRoy B
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Posted 15:47, 03/09/2006
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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes.If I HAD any loose-fitting clothes,I wouldn'thave signed up in the first place.
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medic
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Posted 6:7, 03/11/2006
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A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.
A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both
the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself
in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.
The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many
languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked. "Why is it that we
have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak
French?"
Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it is because we
arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak Spanish."
The group became silent.
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Biffy
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Posted 16:32, 03/12/2006
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is s******* the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s***.
Sounds like politics to me !!!
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choir
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Posted 20:7, 03/12/2006
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Chad Wagoner is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a
"Tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that, "if my best friend who lives
Next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that
Would be a tragedy".
"No," Chad says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a
Cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy". "I'm afraid not,
"Explains Chad, "that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks?
Chad, "isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an
Airplane carrying Chad Wagnor was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a
Tragedy".
"Wonderful!" Chad beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be
A tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
Certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"
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XO
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Posted 6:25, 03/13/2006
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Poor Chad...Your life will never be the same after you experience politics in Yadkin County. Dirty rotten shame...
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rsqmedic
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Posted 22:31, 04/09/2006
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Choir: U know what, I find that joke immature and just a part of a campain to slander chad. I wish you all could know chad for the great man he really is. And its a shame that you wont elect him, Because he would be one of the best leaders this county would ever have. I would hate be chad, for the sole reason that he actually want to represent you people just to help make your county and lives better.
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shopper
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Posted 6:9, 04/10/2006
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I agree. No good person is wanted in Yadkin County. The ones who try to do rite and go by the rules are the ones who are crucified. If it does not benefit certain ones, then you are left out to dry. Chad would be a good candidate...
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Tinkerbell
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Posted 6:39, 04/10/2006
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How many commissioners does it take to put in a light bulb?
Answer: Three
Wooten to hold the bulb. Sneed to turn Wooten so the bulb will go in and Casstevens telling them "If you want to put in a light bulb you have to think like a light bulb".
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jebby
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Posted 20:20, 04/18/2006
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a woman goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some poison so she can kill her husband for cheating.the pharmacist explains to the lady that its illegal to sell poison,especially for the reason that she stated to him.she then takes out a picture of her husband and the pharmacists wife in bed together.the pharmicist then says to her,,,,,,,,oh,you have a prescription.
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upset
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Posted 22:17, 04/25/2006
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Q: Have you heard about the new Kim Phillips doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it NEVER tells the same story twice!
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Dreamz
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Posted 6:4, 04/26/2006
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That's not even funny!
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WINE-O
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Posted 16:3, 07/23/2006
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Better relationship
A local dentist walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" The doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 45 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The dentist seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked all right. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the dentist replied. "My wife does."
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gohome
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Posted 22:3, 07/30/2006
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Two cows are standing around one day when one cow says to the other, "So what do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other replies, "What the he** do I care, I am commissioner Phillips and a hellicopter PILOT!"
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10thMtnDiv
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Posted 7:21, 08/03/2006
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Why won't the Yadkin County Courthouse have the Nativity scene displayed on thier front steps during the Christmas holidays?
Answer- they can't find a jew, three wise men or a virgin in the county
Whats the first thing a girl from Jonesville do when she gets up in the morning?
Answer- she walks home
Whats the difference between a girl from Yadkinville and a bowling ball?
answer- you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball
How many guys does it take from yadking county to eat a dead raccoon?
answer- three... one to chow down, two to direct traffic
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mad
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Posted 10:44, 08/05/2006
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A cop pulls Kim Phillips over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red.
He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?"
Kim Phillips replies, "No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?
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wizard
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Posted 19:11, 08/06/2006
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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect".
They say he never heard the shot.............
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canadate
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Posted 21:3, 08/09/2006
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Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is
it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer
causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants
fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with
all them burgers an' fries, is that
true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she
was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he
gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you
asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is,
kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
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intel
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Posted 16:54, 10/24/2006
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Old man: What do you know?
Kim PhD: I know a lot ... but the things we know are somewhat different.
Old man: how different?
Kim PhD: well ... "for all" things that you know, "there exists" a neighbourhood of some of the things that I know, "such that" the things that you know are outside the neighborhood.
Old man: ................
...Dead air persists for seconds...
Kim PhD (proudly): Well, I am an Econ PhD and I study a kind of "neo" science that I dunt think it exists in your age.
Old man (annoyed): So What is exactly that you know, and I dunt?
Kim PhD (annoyed): Well, "Generally speaking", I study human behavior.
"In particular", I study the decision making of individuals.
"More Specifically" finding optimal decisions for problems! Got it?
Old man: Do you need to know how to breathe optimally in order to be able to breath optimally?
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hambone
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Posted 10:34, 10/29/2006
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One hundred prostitutes were surveyed in Washington DC. They were asked if they would sleep with Bill Clinton. 63% said never again!
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scooby
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Posted 16:32, 10/29/2006
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Joke of the year: effective leadership in Yadkin County and its towns. Or is that an oxymoron? (Waiting for the "moron" jokes from those thinking they're clever).
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1st_amendment_rights
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Posted 18:59, 10/31/2006
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Trooper pulls over a redneck here in the county. Trooper asks the ol' boy, "got any I.D.? The ol' boy says "'bout what?"
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scooby
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Posted 6:58, 11/01/2006
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Yadkin County midget toppled by the big stick he carries around!
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scooby
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Posted 6:51, 11/02/2006
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Yadkin County Republican Party...now there is a hoot! I am a Republican, so this is not a smear campaign.
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Dreamz
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Posted 7:30, 11/02/2006
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what about the meeting on Halloween Nite..?Wow, heard that was another HOOOOT..Thought we lost Brady in the parking lot. Ha! Too Bad.
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scooby
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Posted 12:4, 11/02/2006
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People who define success by how big a car one drives!
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scooby
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Posted 7:9, 11/03/2006
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The outgoing county czars poking the rest in the eye with the water project.
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ol'biddy
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Posted 7:46, 11/03/2006
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The local government! If it wasn't so sad, it would be the joke of the century!
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grams2
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Posted 22:20, 01/12/2007
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Rules Of Yadkin COUNTY
If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.
Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.
There is always one more son of a ***** than you counted on.
An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Chicken little only has to be right once.
"NO" is only an interim response.
You can't kill a bad idea.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
The truth is a variable.
A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.
You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
A promise is not a guarantee.
If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting
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Tinkerbell
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Posted 13:23, 01/19/2007
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A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new
immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees
walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me
in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and
free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I
am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another
passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in
America!"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees
he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for
the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says,
"I am from Middle East, I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady checks her watch and
says..."Probably at work."
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Goober
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Posted 20:4, 01/19/2007
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Tinkerbell; that's no joke that's the truth. Makes one wonder why we continue to work to support those who do not. My bible says if you don't work then you don't eat. I am speaking to those who are able to work, but just to lazy to do so!
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courtneycritic
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Posted 21:10, 01/19/2007
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Friendship is like butt cheeks,
crap comes between them,
but they always come back together!
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grams2
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Posted 23:30, 01/19/2007
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After much urging by his wife, Joel applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.
An hour later Joel returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.
"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"
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cornbread
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Posted 0:55, 01/20/2007
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Chinese proverb: He who goes to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger!
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Tinkerbell
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Posted 9:43, 01/20/2007
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Mujibar was trying to get a job in India
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready" The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
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foxnewsfanatic
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Posted 22:37, 01/20/2007
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The Story Starts:
The man starts out by saying....
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I rea soned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
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Tinkerbell
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Posted 19:4, 01/22/2007
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Meow!!
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Nature 7
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Posted 3:37, 02/21/2007
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Sad,sad...NO ice in West Virginia.
they lost the recipe.
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Nature 7
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Posted 2:12, 02/22/2007
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what does a hair-lipped cow say?
MOOF
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ol'biddy
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Posted 13:29, 02/23/2007
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Good story, foxnews! LOL!!!
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NoGood
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Posted 14:15, 04/05/2007
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An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night making romance."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled ....
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that
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walks the talk
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Posted 3:50, 07/01/2007
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What do you call an Amish fellow on side of road with his hand up his horses' behind?
A mechanic.
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LeRoy B.
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Posted 21:48, 07/01/2007
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if a horse's front feet are going 90 mile an hour what are the rear feet doing?
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walks the talk
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Posted 2:15, 07/02/2007
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Hauling Butt!
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I'm Someone 2
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Posted 2:26, 07/02/2007
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how do you quadruple the seating in a gay bar? ... Turn the stools upside down!!!!
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hambone
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Posted 16:43, 07/02/2007
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Baby Talk
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
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hambone
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Posted 16:50, 07/02/2007
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True Football Fan
Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".
I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."
"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.
He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."
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hambone
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Posted 17:27, 07/02/2007
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Annoying Boy on Bus
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
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hambone
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Posted 17:31, 07/02/2007
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Mafia Christmas
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
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dell
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Posted 9:28, 07/03/2007
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"I LIKE THIS"
Subject: Fw: PRICELESS!!
> Cancel your credit card.........(hilarious!)
>
> Now some people are really stupid!!!!
>
> Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so
> priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being
> what it is today.
>
> A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February
> and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
> added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
> been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call
> to Citibank. Here is
> the exchange:
>
> Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in
> January."
>
> Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
> still apply."
>
> Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
>
> Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
>
> Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
>
> Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her
> to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
>
> Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked
> this part!!!!)
>
> Citibank: "Excuse me?"
>
> Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part
> about her being dead?"
>
> Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
>
> Supervisor gets on the phone:
>
> Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
>
> Citibank : "The account was never closed and late fees and charges
> still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
>
> Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
>
> Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
>
> Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
>
> Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
>
> F amily Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given )
> After they get the fax:
>
> Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know
> what more I can do to help."
>
> Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
> just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
>
> Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."(What is
> wrong with these people?!?)
>
> Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
>
> Citibank: "That might help."
>
> Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number
> 69."
>
> Citibank : "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
>
> Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet???
>
> (Priceless!!)
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exlax
|
Posted 12:39, 07/03/2007
|
|
AN ELDERLY MAN AND WOMAN WERE EATING BREAKFAST, THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED AT HER HUSBAND AND SAID HONEY MY BREAST STILL GET WARM FOR YOU AS THE FIRST DAY WE WERE MARRIED, THE OLD MAN SAID I KNOW WHY ONE IS HANGING IN YOUR OATMEAL THE OTHER ONE IS IN YOUR COFFE.
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bender
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Posted 13:23, 07/04/2007
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not to make taxes higher would have been a joke
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hambone
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Posted 15:4, 07/04/2007
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Has everyone noticed the new joke on here? I have been reading over the latest posts and seems like the new joke is bendover--sorry, I meant bender!!!!!
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cthouse mouse
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Posted 15:43, 07/04/2007
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That's alright Hambone. We understand. With a name like yours it was probably wishful thinking.
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cspan
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Posted 22:50, 07/04/2007
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bender and mouse, Jesus Christ, can't there even be a joke of the day thread without you liberals sabotaging it and making mean and nasty remarks????????????????????????????/
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UnusPopulus
|
Posted 1:26, 07/05/2007
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|
One finds it interesting that you would criticize the two "liberals" for their remarks when hambone's comment was equally, if not more, degrading.
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Nature 7
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Posted 3:37, 07/05/2007
|
Liberals[excess baggage] cannot do anything on their own. They can't even start their own web site.
This site is called "Conservative News". See how they just take over? Or, perhaps they cannot read well.
Maybe they are a'rarin' to go..but can't for rarin'!
The joke topic was going along well, and then here comes another baby that needs attention.
You little juveniles really must love us here. Why else would you keep coming back?
hambone...thanks for staying on the topic...haha[bendovers]
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UnusPopulus
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Posted 7:41, 07/05/2007
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I, for one, come back to open eyes and to argue for the sake of arguing, if you want the truth.
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cspan
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Posted 11:49, 07/05/2007
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this thread had really been all about jokes until "LIBERAL BENDER" made his smart@$$ comment which has nothing to do with joke of the day. Hambone was responding. Then mouse had to add his 2 cents worth and this had nothing to do with the joke of the day either.
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cthouse mouse
|
Posted 15:23, 07/05/2007
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Liar, Liar, Pants on fire! Hambone started it. Run home and tell your daddy. Yada Yada Yada.
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I'm Someone 2
|
Posted 19:2, 07/05/2007
|
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I find it interesting with the passing of the nation's birthday, that even with a fourm as innocent as a joke of the day, we liberals and conservatives cannot seem to get along. It makes one wonder how we are still able to celebrate this 231st anniversary.
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I'm Someone 2
|
Posted 19:16, 07/05/2007
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Here's a solution, we ignore those who want negative attention and move on with the joke of the day. Here I'll start. This woman passes a pet shop everyday on her way to work. On Wednesday she passes the shop as usual but stops to admire a beautiful new parrot. As any normal person, she leans in and says "does Polly want a cracker?" The parrot responds with "Woman you show is ugly. I make crap that looks better than you!" The woman gasps and runs off sobbing. The next day she walks by and the parrot yells the same thing to her. She stops and goes into the shop. She tells the owner what the parrot has been saying and that she wants something done about it. On Friday the woman is walking to work and comes upon the pet shop. She meets eyes with the parrot and she stops. The parrot says "Woman!!! .... you know!"
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cspan
|
Posted 19:50, 07/05/2007
|
bender Posted 13:23, 07/04/2007
not to make taxes higher would have been a joke
This was the first sarcastic post on this thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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hambone
|
Posted 20:17, 07/05/2007
|
I find it interesting with the passing of the nation's birthday, that even with a fourm as innocent as a joke of the day, we liberals and conservatives cannot seem to get along. It makes one wonder how we are still able to celebrate this 231st anniversary.
I'm Someone 2---That is what makes this country so great. Diversity and different points of view. Where else but the USA would you and I be able to be mean to each other and not have to worry about sensorship(sp)?
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I'm Someone 2
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Posted 2:29, 07/06/2007
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Yes diversity does make this country great. But once again can we just get back to the joke of the day?
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hambone
|
Posted 12:43, 07/06/2007
|
1--If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks
have branches?
2--What disease did cured ham have?
3--When French people swear, do they say,"pardon
my English"?
4--How can something be both "new" and "improved"
5--Why is it called the Department of Interior
when they are in charge of everything outdoors
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booger
|
Posted 13:0, 07/06/2007
|
> Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods
> and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
>
> Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
> every buttercup in the patch.
>
> All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
> woman appeared.
>
> She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
> those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have
> any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your
> life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the
> rest of your life.. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any
> butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
>
> Then POOF......she was gone!
>
> After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
>
> "Fred, where are you?"
>
> Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
>
> Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred - DON'T SWING!"
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I'm Someone 2
|
Posted 23:3, 07/06/2007
|
Why do we drive on a parkway but park in a drive way.
If you throw a cat out of a moving vehicle is it kitty litter?
What do the Chinese call their fine dinning wear?
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8thgradeteacher
|
Posted 22:47, 07/16/2007
|
JohnQPublic: nearly kills old person
Last spring, we used to have senior citizens from the local retirement home volunteer at our school. Every Thursday morning the retirement home's shuttle bus would drop them all off. They stopped coming to volunteer because of this incident:
In case I haven't already made this clear: JohnQPublic gets extremely attached to things, but it is very hard for him to express his emotional attachment appropriately. One Thursday morning, I was walking JohnQPublic to the gym for "adapted P.E." One of them spots one of the grandmas getting off the bus. He freaks out, lets loose an ear-splitting scream, and charges her like a big bull, knocking her to the ground, really, really hard.
I run over and pull him off of her. She is laying flat on her back on the pavement in front of the school, writhing in what is obviously excruciating pain. The office ultimately had to call an ambulance, and she was taken to the hospital with a broken collar bone and numerous broken vertebrae.
All from JohnQPublic trying to give her a hug.
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REAL FAYE
|
Posted 20:52, 07/17/2007
|
8th:
Is this supposed to be funny???
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CLASS50
|
Posted 20:30, 07/18/2007
|
8th:
yes it is funny.
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REAL FAYE
|
Posted 22:7, 07/18/2007
|
CLASS:
ALZHEIMERS AGAIN!!!
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Big Kahuna
|
Posted 10:28, 07/19/2007
|
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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lawyer
|
Posted 12:14, 07/19/2007
|
: No Joke Here
>If you've already seen this............read it again and keep it going.
>
>
>Actually it is NOT funny........ Tax
>truth
>
>
>At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it.
>Be sure to read all the way to the end!
>
>Tax his land,
>Tax his bed,
>Tax the table
>At which he's fed.
>
>Tax his tractor,
>Tax his mule,
>Teach him taxes
>Are the rule.
>
>Tax his cow,
>Tax his goat,
>Tax his pants,
>Tax his coat.
>
>Tax his ties,
>Tax his shirt,
>Tax his work,
>Tax his dirt.
>
>Tax his tobacco,
>Tax his drink,
>Tax him if he
>Tries to think.
>
>Tax his cigars,
>Tax his beers,
>If he cries, then
>Tax his tears.
>
>Tax his car,
>Tax his gas,
>Find other ways
>To tax his ass
>
>Tax all he has
>Then let him know
>That you won't be done
>Till he has no dough.
>
>When he screams and hollers,
>Then tax him some more,
>Tax him till
>He's good and sore.
>
>Then tax his coffin ,
>Tax his grave,
>Tax the sod in
>Which he's laid.
>
>Put these words
>upon his tomb,
>" Taxes drove me to my doom..."
>
>When he's gone,
>Do not relax,
>Its time to apply
>The inheritance tax.
>
>Accounts Receivable Tax
>Building Permit Tax
>CDL license Tax
>Cigarette Tax
>Corporate Income Tax
>Dog License Tax
>Estate tax
>Excise Taxes
>Federal Income Tax
>Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
>Fishing License Tax
>Food License Tax
>Fuel Permit Tax
>Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
>Gross Receipts Tax
>Hunting License Tax
>Inheritance Tax
>Inventory Tax
>IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
>Liquor Tax
>Luxury Taxes
>Marriage License Tax
>Medicare Tax
>Personal Property Tax
>Probate Tax
>Property Tax
>Real Estate Tax
>Sales Tax
>Service Charge Tax
>Social Security Tax
>State Income Tax
>Road Usage Tax
>Sales Tax
>Recreational Vehicle Tax
>School Tax
>State Income Tax
>State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
>Telephone Federal Excise Tax
>Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
>Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
>Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
>Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
>Telephone State and Local Tax
>Telephone Usage Charge Tax
>Utility Taxes
>Vehicle License Registration Tax
>Vehicle Sales Tax
>Watercraft Registration Tax
>Well Permit Tax
>Workers Compensation Tax
>
>STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
>Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,
>and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
>We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the
>world,
>and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
>
>What happened? Can you spell "politicians!"
>
>And I still have to "press 1" for English.
>
>I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times
>
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Big Kahuna
|
Posted 20:28, 07/21/2007
|
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Big Kahuna
|
Posted 19:25, 07/22/2007
|
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Big Kahuna
|
Posted 23:31, 07/25/2007
|
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Big Kahuna
|
Posted 17:1, 07/26/2007
|
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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dell
|
Posted 9:7, 08/03/2007
|
Have I told you about our new car?
We bought a new Lexus, you know the one that parks itself. But I had to return it to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.
The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
Soggy Bottom Boys," I'd get beautiful bluegrass music, and if I said,
Beatles," I d get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "*** Holes!"
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
Gosh, I LOVE this car
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politicaljunkie
|
Posted 15:0, 08/03/2007
|
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh..equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.........
|
|
Payne
|
Posted 21:28, 08/03/2007
|
A woman that was getting married for the fourth time walked into a bridal shop and told the employee that she was looking for a wedding dress for here fourth wedding.
What do you have in mind replied the employee,
I was thinking a long white dress, but nothing to over the top.
Lady are you sure you are wanting a white dress, that’s more for someone that’s not you know, well more innocent than being married four times.
The lady replied by saying that my first marriage the groom was so excited that he had a heart attack on his way to the hotel, My second husband argued the whole way and we got it annulled, and my third one was a republican he just sat on the side of the bed for four years each night and promised me something would happen but nothing ever did, so that why I can have a white dress.
|
|
PITT_BULL
|
Posted 20:4, 08/15/2007
|
Drinking with a redneck girl
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,"In Mexicoour glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,"In Iraqwe have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass,
setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,"In Americawe have so many illegal
Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
|
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hambone
|
Posted 0:4, 08/28/2007
|
An 80-year-old man went for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor said.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof!, the light goes off?"
|
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Tinkerbell
|
Posted 8:36, 08/28/2007
|
Hambone,
You must be that 80 year old man. You forgot the punchline. He was doing what Leroy does "He was peeing in the refrigerator."
|
|
LeRoy B.
|
Posted 11:8, 08/28/2007
|
|
hahaha!! Thats a good one tinkerbell. My wife wants to know how you are sneaking in while she's asleep. Hambone must be older than me,, he forgot the punchline. haha!
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hambone
|
Posted 12:23, 08/28/2007
|
You are roght LeRoy
Then the wife said OH no he is pissing in the fridge again.
|
|
walks the talk
|
Posted 3:53, 08/29/2007
|
FAYE said:
"You are getting smart with me!"
I said,.."How would you know!?"
|
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REAL FAYE
|
Posted 9:27, 08/29/2007
|
Walks,
How did I get brought into this???
|
|
Tinkerbell
|
Posted 8:50, 07/29/2008
|
Drinking with a Redneck Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
'God Bless America'
|
|
crap
|
Posted 12:46, 07/29/2008
|
|
That bar needs to be in yadkin.
|
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yadperson
|
Posted 14:0, 07/29/2008
|
What do you call a place with no government, no crime and no mexicans?
A dream.
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coollittlehot
|
Posted 7:56, 07/30/2008
|
Blonde and the Horse...
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons,
nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately
springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the
blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the
horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its
slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap a way from the
horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled
in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her
head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
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|
CountryGirl
|
Posted 7:16, 08/08/2008
|
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
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|
not quite
|
Posted 20:20, 10/31/2008
|
Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her
bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you
don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it
all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me
laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the
knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the
backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there
stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home? '
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are.
|
|
not quite
|
Posted 18:43, 11/07/2008
|
Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.
“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?”
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Nature 7
|
Posted 4:24, 01/14/2009
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(This is true,actually.) And it is just like the mainstream media operates.
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California,
was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that
Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing
and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this
common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in
Montana territory.
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this
inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison
1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton
detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their
great-great uncle.
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical
sketch for her genealogy research:
'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business
empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted
several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to
resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a
vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In
1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his
honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'
NOW THAT is how it's done folks! That's real SPIN.
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Nature 7
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Posted 5:9, 01/14/2009
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^^^humor..just humor. But still an example of 'spinning'.
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Nature 7
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Posted 3:48, 01/15/2009
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Obama's complaint to FOX News
.
In response to Obama's complaint that FOX News does not show enough Black and
Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air
"America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.
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2cents
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Posted 14:16, 01/15/2009
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "why would you spend $5'000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't takethat chance..
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Duke
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Posted 14:49, 01/15/2009
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HISTORY 101
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals 2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumber-jacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying
to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other
true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
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Nature 7
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Posted 1:5, 01/16/2009
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GOOD ONE, Duke!!
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weezie
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Posted 21:15, 01/20/2009
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What does a sperm and a lawyer have in commom?----They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being?
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2cents
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Posted 6:19, 01/21/2009
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The best one yet "YADKIN COUNTY THOUGHT McCAIN/PALIN WOULD BE IN THE WHITEHOUSE YESTERDAY"
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
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68Thunderbird
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Posted 17:53, 01/21/2009
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good one 2cents. Todays news report interviewed a couple of the local yokels that voted for McCain. These jokers looked like something from the movie Deliverance!
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Ace
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Posted 16:25, 01/22/2009
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Don't miss the new blockbuster film coming to the big screen this summer.......2cents and 68Thunderbird make a porno!
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68Thunderbird
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Posted 18:2, 01/22/2009
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Want to get your tickets early! Promises to be a BLOCKBUSTER!!! Ace, I'm sorry you can't "measure up" to have a supporting role! ROFLMAO!!!!!
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walks the talk
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Posted 2:33, 01/25/2009
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Unbeleivable that one (68thunderbird) would give a kudos to 2cent..who lied about being wounded in Nam AND being in THREE wars.
Obamessiah will be happy to put you on his buddy list. Just learn how to bomb buildings in..the USA.
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justwondering
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Posted 14:51, 01/25/2009
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A gentlemen in his late 50's lost his job,and now with most of his investments gone down the tube, he applies for a job with Walmart as a greeter. On his first day all was going pretty well, until an ugly woman with two young children came in, the mother was loud and cussing, causing quite a scene. The new greeter smiled at her and said hello,what lovely children you have. Are they twins? To which the ugly, vulgar woman replied. Hell no they are not twins. Why in the hell would you ask such a stupid damn question? To which the greeter replied, I'm so sorry, I just couldn't imagine that anyone like you could manage to get laid twice.
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LeRoy B.
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Posted 15:21, 01/25/2009
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2cents: I saw you riding your scooter-pooter down the side walk in yadkinville,It was not a HOG. I want to know if you ever been tp MB during the BIKE week? either White or Black.I been there and done that!!!
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Snoopy
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Posted 15:35, 01/28/2009
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New Ice Creme
This one is politically correct . . so I knew you would like it!
Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream in honor of the inauguration, "Barocky Road". It's half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by fruits and nuts!
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wastedtaxes
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Posted 20:11, 01/29/2009
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We finnaly get a black man for President and he still lives in goverment housing.
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wisdomVSknowledge
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Posted 15:8, 01/30/2009
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Wasted.... priceless, absolutely priceless!
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walks the talk
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Posted 5:36, 01/31/2009
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Yeah..public housing and yet the kids are in an exclusive private school (even though obamessiah said that private schools just don't work).
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Ace
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Posted 13:28, 01/31/2009
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No matter what Obama may do, it will not matter to the idol worshippers on this site or in the media. I have never heard such a hollow speaker who says so much that means so little.
All it takes is a little inquiring into his words and you can realize very quickly he is a puppet for the hate America crowd. More victims, please! The democrats need more victims!
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weezie
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Posted 13:48, 01/31/2009
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Ace- you sure do try to put down those who don't see eye to eye with you, I mean you being a so-called christian and all!
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Ace
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Posted 20:11, 01/31/2009
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Weezie - Whatever you want to feel, go ahead. Obama is worshipped in this country by many starting with the silly liberal media.
Victims, please! Democrats need more victims! Victims need rescuing...that is where the Obamist party comes in. Please, more victims!!
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wisdomVSknowledge
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Posted 8:15, 02/04/2009
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Obama issues are not a joke (more like a crime) so please go to another thread for politics. I'm looking for humor, a joke of the day. Something to lighten my spirits. A bit of wit or whimsy would be nice.
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earl
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Posted 11:15, 02/04/2009
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wisdom...Obama is a Joke!!!!!
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Outsider
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Posted 21:3, 02/04/2009
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A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services ,
when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of
robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and
be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be
forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did
you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
'scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
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wisdomVSknowledge
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Posted 22:50, 02/04/2009
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Thank you outsider!
Do you know how to make a blonde's eyes light up?
Hold a candle to her ear!
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Outsider
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Posted 8:54, 02/05/2009
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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said .. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped 20 in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly..
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
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justwondering
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Posted 16:7, 02/06/2009
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An old man and woman lived out in the country and seldom went into town, maybe once a month or so for supplies. One day their old rooster died, and so come Saturday morning, old man said to old woman I guess we had better go into town so I can get us a new rooster. They both got cleaned up and old man put on his best overalls and off they went.
They went to the livestock market first and old man picked him out a new rooster.
They decided to walk through town and just window shop, and off they went with old man carrying the rooster under his arm.
They went by the movie theater and the old woman said hey there's a John Wayne movie playing I would really like to see that. So old man says ok lets see it they got in line and when they got to the ticket booth he said two seniors please, the girl inside said well I can give you two tickets, but you can't take that rooster in. The old man said well the heck with it then, and walked away. They got on down the street a little way and old woman said I sure did want to see that movie, so old man says ok, he pulls open his bib overalls and sticks the rooster down in front. they go get their tickets and get in to the movie. They sat right next to a couple of old ladies and about half way through the movie the rooster started to get restless, and so old man unzipped his fly and the rooster stuck his head out. Well, one of the old women said Ida would you look at that, I just never. Ida said, oh well, you've seen one you seen them all. The other old lady says, yeah I know but this one is eating my damn popcorn>>>>
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OOgie
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Posted 21:20, 02/06/2009
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up..
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,"Things are great and I"ve never felt better."
I now have a 30 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water"s edge.
He realized he"d left his gun at home and so he couldn"t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went "bang, bang"."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
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Mr.GoToGuy
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Posted 23:48, 03/01/2009
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^^^bump^^^
lol that was funny OOgie
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walks the talk
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Posted 6:46, 08/21/2009
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"The only thing growing faster than the federal deficit and debt is Chris
Matthews' man crush on Obama." --Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty
so true..however, Pawlenty hasn't heard of 'fedup' yet...
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walks the talk
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Posted 1:34, 08/27/2009
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Sarcasm detector failure: "[H]ere's one from Republican Congressman Wally Herger
of California. At his town hall meeting some guy yelled out, bragging that he
was quote, 'A proud right-wing terrorist.' To which the Congressman responded,
'Amen. God bless ya! Now there's a great American.' A great American. A guy who
thinks it's okay, in this day and age, to call himself a right-wing terrorist.
This is the dangerous edge, in which these people, including some elected
officials are now dancing."
--MSNBC's Chris "thrill up my leg" Matthews, too
dense to understand that the citizen-speaker was mocking guys like ... well,
Chris Matthews for falsely alleging common Americans are "right-wing terrorists"
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hambone
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Posted 5:59, 08/28/2009
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The Lie Clock*
>
> A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter's
> desk at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
> He asked, "What are all those clocks there for?"
> St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
> Lie Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
> "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
> "That's Mother Teresa 's. The hands have never moved, indicating
> that she never told a lie."
> "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
> St. Peter responded, "That's George Washington's clock. The hands
> have moved twice, telling us that Washington told only two lies in
> his entire life."
> "Where's Barack Obama 's clock?" asked the man.
> "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
>
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hambone
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Posted 7:8, 08/28/2009
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SIPPING VODKA
This is too funny - I still have tears in my eyes! Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding.
It's funny (don't break chain)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated..
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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johndeere
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Posted 13:0, 09/21/2009
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Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.*
*Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about
eight or nine dollars a day.*
*Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives
a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of*
*cash to spend.*
*"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work*
*just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase
full of ten dollar bills every day?"*
*Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"*
*Carlos' sign reads; *
*I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.*
*"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.*
*"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"*
*Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"*
*Jose's sign reads:*
*I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico*
I know I'd give to this cause!!! LOL
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babysitter
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Posted 13:36, 09/21/2009
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A Yadkin County blonde was walking up and down the Yadkin side of the river trying to figure out how to get to the Surry side.
She then spotted a blonde on the Surry side and yelled; "How do I get to the other side"?
The Surry blonde yelled back; "You are on the other side"!
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johndeere
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Posted 13:43, 09/21/2009
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Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor!
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed f or home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, c uckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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walks the talk
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Posted 3:53, 09/22/2009
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^^^^^FUNEEEEEEEEE! Good one!^^^^^^^
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2cents
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Posted 7:43, 09/24/2009
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Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted..
Now, that's funny..... I don't care WHO you are.
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little voices in my head
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Posted 12:35, 09/24/2009
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needles are not nice...
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
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giggles
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Posted 22:8, 09/24/2009
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A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his private parts.
A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"
He replies, "It died today."
"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied
The next day the man has his private parts hanging outside of his pants again.
The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."
The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"
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giggles
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Posted 22:10, 09/24/2009
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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goina be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
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Sweet&Tart
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Posted 23:28, 09/24/2009
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A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."
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sameole
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Posted 8:3, 09/25/2009
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Sweet - That's too damn funny!
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giggles
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Posted 15:17, 09/25/2009
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."
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giggles
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Posted 15:22, 09/25/2009
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New Medications for Women
St. Mon's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q., causing enjoyment of country western music.
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent anti boyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your anniversary or phone number.
A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
And the best:
D a m i t o l
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
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giggles
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Posted 12:57, 09/26/2009
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what do you call cheese that is not yours?
nacho cheese, ha ha ha ha ha ha
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Sweet&Tart
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Posted 22:25, 09/26/2009
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mental anxiety
mentally dysfunctional
menopause
menstrual cramps...
Ever notice how all women's problems begin with MEN?
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Big Kahuna
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Posted 20:53, 09/27/2009
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Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd you do?" " First Place !," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" " First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" "I'm entering," says Pinocchio. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.
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giggles
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Posted 20:57, 09/28/2009
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A monkey and a lizard were smoking a joint in a tree. The lizard got really thirsty so he went down to the river to get a drink. He met an alligator who asked him what he was doing.
Lizard said "Oh, just getting a drink. I was smoking a joint with a monkey up in that tree."
The alligator didn't believe this crazy story, so he went over to the tree to check it out. He looked up at the monkey and said "Hey!"
The monkey's eyes got really big and he asked, "Dang..How much water did you drink!?"
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fiesta pantalones
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Posted 22:2, 09/28/2009
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Giggles - Oldey but goldey
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earl
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Posted 22:6, 09/28/2009
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Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in
Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I
have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead
mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's
dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the
Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and
made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him
his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy are overseeing the government bailout program.
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johndeere
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Posted 12:43, 10/21/2009
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Okay this is really funny - I laughed out loud over some of them....don't give me any of the "I'm making fun of other nationality" bull. I didn't create it...I'm just sharing. Hope you enjoy as much as I did!
Spanish Words of the Day
1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
Replies: 'Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'
2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I Shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July MY PERSONAL FAVORITE
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'
7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey,
Harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but nobody wash my kids.
15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'
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merv
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Posted 15:2, 10/21/2009
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lol, my favs are # 2,5,7,12,13
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Sweet&Tart
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Posted 23:23, 10/22/2009
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed with their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to bring the pick-up truck so we can haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one world. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."
The operator shakes his head, "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...com-for-da-bul."
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babysitter
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Posted 11:37, 10/28/2009
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During a recent password audit at the White House, it was found that Pelosi was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
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Country Bumpkin
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Posted 21:39, 12/15/2009
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Whats the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger woods?
Santa stopped at 3 HO's,,,,,,
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rettrpjch
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Posted 12:26, 12/27/2009
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One of Tiger's sponsers is not dropping him from contract. They are making a new pill called tiagra. It's good for 18 holes.
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skype
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Posted 14:25, 12/27/2009
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And a hole in one!!!!!
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snoopy
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Posted 20:31, 12/27/2009
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While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his being our president..
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'..
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of Idiot put him up there to begin with.
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walks the talk
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Posted 3:23, 12/29/2009
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Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.
This is so beautiful!
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Barack, don't even go there!
From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"
Kind of gets you right "there", doesn't it?
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Walks the Talk
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Posted 1:29, 12/30/2009
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The
> World's
> Shortest
> Books
>
>
> THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
> by Barack Obama
> ____________________________________________
> OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
> by Tiger Woods
> ______________________________________________
> THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
> by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
> Illustrated by Michael Moore
> ________________________________________
> MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
> by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
> _______________________________________
> THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
> by Hillary Clinton
> ________________________________
> THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
> THE SEQUEL
> by Bill Clinton
> ___________________________________
> THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
> by Bill Gates
> ____________________________________
> THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
> by Dennis Rodman
> _________________________________
> THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
> by Al Gore & John Kerry
> _____________________________________
> AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
> ___________________________________
> A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
> by Dr. J. Kevorkian
> __________________________________
> TO ALL THE MEN WE'VE LOVED BEFORE...
> by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
> _________________________________
> THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
> _______________________________________
> MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S)
> by O. J. Simpson
> _________________________________________
> HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
> by Ted Kennedy
> ______________________
> MY BOOK OF MORALS
> by Bill Clinton
> introduction by Rev. Jesse Jackson
> *******************************************************
> AND JUST ADDED:
> COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY!
> by Nancy Pelosi
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whatreallyhappened
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Posted 23:43, 01/22/2010
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"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
11. Your cousin is president of the United States
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walks the talk
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Posted 1:56, 01/23/2010
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^^^^^^Good one!!!^^^^^^
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lucifer
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Posted 21:50, 02/04/2010
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Little Johnny is not an Obama fan
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans..
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."
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Hot Dog
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Posted 23:12, 02/04/2010
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Thats pretty funny, and aint that the truth!
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Walks the Talk
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Posted 6:28, 02/05/2010
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^^^^LOL, lucifer!^^^^
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lucifer
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Posted 20:48, 02/07/2010
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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they
came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On
the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a
similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and
as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked
the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north
along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed
insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches
along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a
miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back
that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk
who doesn't know how to drive, and Obama is an idiot.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a
frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands,
when a truck hit us."
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Walks the Talk
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Posted 1:12, 03/01/2010
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Guy goes into a bar, where there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...
So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere
tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 60."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
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weezie
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Posted 11:43, 03/01/2010
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How do rednecks tenderize their dinner?
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weezie
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Posted 11:50, 03/01/2010
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They back up and run over it again!
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weezie
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Posted 11:51, 03/01/2010
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How many rednecks does it take to eat that dinner? 2 to look for traffic and 1 to eat it!
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wahoo
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Posted 19:36, 03/01/2010
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UPDATE ON TARZAN
I was at the store yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan! I asked him how it was going and if he was into anymore movies.
He told me that he could no longer make any more movies as he had severe arthritis in both shoulders and could no longer swing from vine to tree.
I asked how Jane was doing, he told me she was in bad shape, in a nursing home, has Alzheimer's and no longer recognizes anyone, how sad.
I asked about Boy, and he told me that Boy had gone to the big city, got hooked up with bad women, drugs, alcohol, and the only time he heard from him was if he was in trouble or needed something.
I asked about Cheeta, he beamed and said she was doing good, had married a Lawyer and now lived in the White House!!!
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Walks the Talk
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Posted 2:17, 03/02/2010
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(wahoo:^^^lol!)
THE QUALIFICATIONS:
In a Purdue University government class, they were
discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was
pretty simple, the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at
least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it all in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating:
"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section..????"
Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that just elected the new President of the United States . Now we know why.....
And don't forget: "They walk among us!"
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Walks the Talk
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Posted 1:33, 03/05/2010
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Joke Of The day ..
Little boy bradley hardy and his letter in the Ripple today. What a silly little clown. His 'mama' should stop feeding him bowls of stupid every day. This is one pathetic child.
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Cletus
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Posted 8:42, 03/05/2010
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Yep, there goes our local paper down the tubes. Since Leann Cloudman is gone, all you will see is liberal, slanted views like this editorial. Dont expect to see, or read the truth about anything of substance politically in that paper now.
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H8fulme
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Posted 14:35, 03/09/2010
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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wizard
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Posted 20:47, 04/01/2010
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Better than a Flu
Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all...
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond
organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cute glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the
water
Floated, of all things, a
condom!
When she returned
With tea and
scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist...
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the
ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
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wizard
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Posted 20:53, 04/01/2010
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The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!!
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked..
'Yes, or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead..'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
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wizard
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Posted 20:56, 04/01/2010
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If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year
ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of
shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had
purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will
have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one
year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for
recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found
that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another
study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol
a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to
the gallon!
Makes you proud
to be an American!
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walks the talk
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Posted 1:57, 04/02/2010
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^^^^Good one^^^^
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